Saturday, May 5, 2007

SpiderMan 3 sucks balls. Big hairy Spider Balls.

I went down to the cinema last night and found a way into SpiderMan 3. I am a self confessed comic book geek, and figured it couldn't suck THAT bad, could it? Well it did. Here is my synopsis of the film.

Boy is gay
Girl is ugly and a bitch
Boy gets angry....cries
Lowell from Wings is a second class villain...cries
Boy gets sentimental...cries
Eddie Brock a bitch...cries
Girl is STILL ugly, still a bitch...cries
Boy cries over girl...cries some more
Venom and Sandman just HAPPEN to meet in an alley
Green Goblin sucks...cries
Girl is STILL ugly, STILL a bitch, and now caught...most likely cries
Boy comes to the rescue...cries
Sunset............cries

$7.50 later? I cry, because even though SpiderMan is a HORRIBLE comic overall, its still a legacy that Sam Raimi just jammed a icepick into and killed. THIS will start the demise of comic book movies for the future. Mark my words.

They had a great opportunity to use Venom. He is by far one of the coolest villains out there, behind Joker of course. They could have just teased him a bit and then teased Carnage. Instead they have some Ludacris(the rapper) origin and then a miserable defeat. No, why would you ever want to do a Maximum Carnage movie? That's just stupid. Fucking movie industry.

I found a snippet, or two, of footage showing them crying. While this is COMPLETELY illegal to just load it here to show you. If any Marvel officials are reading this...can I have a job? If any legal beagles are reading this I'm upholding the law, so eat it. If you perhaps want to talk to me and in NO WAY see the footage how about just emailing me?

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Really, save your money and rent the Dolph Lundgren version of The Punisher. You'll feel much better about yourself in the morning.

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